My practice not to be angry: Adler’s individual psychology

  • The purpose of anger is controlling others, justification and retaliation
  • Anger is secondary means caused by direct/primary feeling
  • Anger leaves malice and hostility
  • Reminders when I get anger feeling

“Courage to be disliked” is one of the most impressive book I have ever read in my entire life. According to the author there’s not any meaning to get angry. Not only that, he says whether it’s conscious or not, we have intention to control others with fear or force.

People to shout a shop staff, quarrel between wife and husband and argument from small discrepancies. For sure they look having purpose to control and forcibly make others agree, no longer insisting their justification.

Side effect of anger and a case in Japan

I have been working in a Japanese company but I often see such scenes even in business. Generally Japanese is regarded calm and not talkative but actually no, because as a part of Japanese culture, relationship between employees in a company is usually deeper than you think of. Anyway finally people with more intense insistence with anger will win but leaving malice and hostility towards him, which for sure exist and are never seen obviously because they don’t tell by words. And the malice will approach not only his surface of business and penetrate into his own humanity.

Breakdown of anger

Feeling of anger should be disappeared even in seconds but malice will never, or moreover it’s amplified and then turned out to be passive aggressive or out of control.
Now I firmly convince that practicing not to be angry is one important measure to live happy in this individual era.

Erasing anger means is not easy of course because it’s connected with following primary negative feelings and anger is an action of the result caused by the feeling.

  • sadness
  • disappointment
  • concern and worry
  • discouragement
  • loneliness

Bad quality against expectation -> disappointment -> means of revenge -> anger
Abandoned by someone -> loneliness/sadness -> means of revenge -> anger

My findings and trial

Recalling situations as much as I could but all my anger seemed to be made from primary feelings and I found I converted them into anger for means of revenge. It looks impossible for me to erase the primary feeling but it might be possible to try not to convert.

That’s why I prepare reminders in my mind in case I have anger feelings.

Level 1Count 5 seconds
Level 2Think of primary feeling which causes means of the anger
Level 3Amplify and facing the anger (then usually I get so tired and don’t want to care about it)
Level 4Not get involved intentionally with the person

Level 4 is the final approach. Now fortunately I don’t have experience more than level 4 in communication with my family but in the case of it Adler provides the way of thinking based on task of love to keep the relationship. I will write this topic in another post.

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